Sex in Islam (P-2)

MARRIAGE OF MUSLIM GIRLS IN THE USA

Marriage of Muslim girls in this country is becoming a problem. I was not surprised to read the letter of a Muslim father in a national magazine. He complained that in spite of his doing his best in teaching Islam to his children, his college-going daughter announced that she is going to marry a non-Muslim boy whom she met in college.

As a social scientist I am more interested in the analysis of the events. To be more specific, why would a Muslim girl prefer a non-Muslim boy over a Muslim? The following reasons come to mind:

- She is opposed to and scared of arranged marriages. She should be told that not all arranged marriages are bad ones and that 50% of all love marriages end up in a divorce in this country. Arranged marriages can be successful if approved by both the boy and girl. That is, they need to be a party to the arrangement. I am myself opposed to the blind arranged marriage.

- Muslim boys are not available to her to make a choice. While parents have no objection or cannot do anything about non-Muslim boys with whom she talks or socializes at school or college for forty hours a week, she is not allowed to talk to a Muslim boy in the mosque or in a social gathering. If she does, they frown at her or even accuse her of having a loss character. As a Muslim boy put it, "If I grow up knowing only non-Muslim girls, why do my parents expect me to marry a Muslim one?"

- Some Muslim boys do not care for Muslim girls. On the pretext of missionary work after marriage, they get involved with non-Muslim girls because of their easy availability. Muslim parents who also live with an inferiority complex do not mind their son marrying an American girl of European background but they would object if he marries a Muslim girl of a different school of Islamic thought (Shiah/Sunni) or different tribe like Punjabi, Sunni, Pathan, Arab vs. non-Arab, Afro-American vs. immigrant, or different class, Syed vs. non-Syed. Both the parents and the body should be reminded that the criteria for choosing a spouse that was given by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was not wealth nor color but Islamic piety.

- She may have been told that early marriage, that is, age 18 or less, is taboo and that she should wait until the age of 23 or 25. According to statistics, 80% of American girls, while waiting to get settled in life and married, engage freely in sex with multiple boyfriends. However, this option is not available to Muslim girls. Every year nearly one million teenage girls in this country who think that they are not ready for marriage, get pregnant. By the age of 24 when a Muslim girl decides that she is ready for marriage, it may be too large for her. If she reviews the matrimonial ad section in Islamic magazines, she will quickly notice that the boys of the age group of 25 to 30 are looking for girls from 18 to 20 year age group. They may wrongfully assume that an older girl may not be a virgin.

- She may also carry a wrong notion not proven scientifically that marrying healthy cousins may cause congenital deformities in her offspring.

Thus, unless these issues are addressed, many Muslim girls in the US may end up marrying a non-Muslim or remain unmarried.

CURRICULUM FOR ISLAMIC SEX EDUCATION

Islamic sex ed should be taught at home starting at an early age. Before giving education about anatomy and physiology, the belief in the Creator should be well established. As Dostoevsky put it, "Without God, everything is possible," meaning that the lack of belief or awareness of God gives an OK for wrongdoing.

A father should teach his son and a mother should teach her daughter. In the absence of a willing parent, the next best choice should be a Muslim male teacher (preferably a physician) for boys and a Muslim female teacher (preferably a physician) for a girl at the Islamic Sunday school.

The curriculum should be tailored according to age of the child and classes be held separately. Only pertinent answers to a question should be given. By this I mean that if a five year old asks how he or she got into mommie's stomach, there is no need to describe the whole act of intercourse. Similarly it is not necessary to tell a fourteen year old how to put on condoms. This might be taught in premarital class just before his or her marriage. A curriculum for sex ed should Include:

a. Sexual growth and development
* Time table for puberty
* Physical changes during puberty
* Need for family life

b. Physiology of reproductive system
* For girls- the organ, menstruation, premenstrual syndrome
* For boys- the organ, the sex drive

c. Conception, development of fetus and birth

d. Sexually transmitted disease (VD/AIDS) (emphasize the Islamic aspect)

e. Mental, emotional and social aspects of puberty

f Social, moral and religious ethics

g. How to avoid peer pressure

SEX EDUCATION AFTER MARRIAGE

This essay is not intended to be a sex manual for married couples, although I may write such someday. I just wanted to remind the reader of a short verse in the Quran and then elaborate. The verse is, "They are your garments, and you are their garments" (2:187).

Husbands and wives are described as garments for each other. A garment is very close to our body, so they should be close to each other. A garment protects and shields our modesty, so they should do the same to each other. Garments are put on anytime we like, so should they be available to each other anytime. A garment adds to our beauty, so they should praise and beautify each other.

For husbands I should say that sex is an expression of love and one without the other is incomplete. One of your jobs is to educate your wife in matters of sex especially in your likes and dislikes and do not compare her to other women.

For wives I want to say that a man's sexual needs are different than a women's. Instead of being a passive recipient of sex, try to be an active partner. He is exposed to many temptations outside the home. Be available to please him and do not give him a reason to make a choice between you and hellfire.

SELECTED REFERENCES 

• Annual Report of Children's Defense Fund.  Northside Topics.  January, 1988.
• "Children Having Children." Time Magazine.  December 9, 1985.
• Cuffan, J. Report of Center for Disease Control.  Indianapolis Star; June 14, 1988.
• Dracula of Hormones.  Newsweek Magazine.  November 25, 1985.
• Elam, A. and V. G. Ray.  "Sexually Related Trauma: A Review." Annals of Emergency Medicine, May, 1986, vol. 15:5, pp. 576-584.
• Gordon, S. and 1. R. Dickman.  "Sex Education-My Parent's Role Public Affairs Pamphlet No. 549.  Published by Public Affairs Committee, 3 81 Park Ave. South, New York, NY 100 16.
• Hatcher, Adams J. "Solving Teenage Pregnancy." Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality.  March, 1980, pp. 10-23.
• Marvin, S. "How Adults Could Have Helped Me." Parade Magazine, (Supplement to Indianapolis Star) August 21, 1988, pp. 4-7
• Mast, C. K. "How to Say No to Sex." Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality.  September, 1988, pp. 26-32.
• Mast, C. K. Sex Respect: The Option of True Sexual Freedom.  Bradley, 11: Respect Inc., 1986, p. 41.
• Muslim, Bukhari.  Collection of Hadith.
• Nelson, C. A. A Cancer Journal For Clinicians.  American Cancer Society.  November-December, 1984.
• Report On Sex Education.  Time Magazine.  November. 24, 1986.
• Report on Teens: Sex Attitude Survey by Eight National Evangelical Churchs.  Indianapolis Star.  February 2, 1988.
• Richard, D. "Teenage Pregnancy and Sex Education in the Schools: What Works And What Does Not Work," San Antonio Pregnancy Center, 1986, p. 6.
• Stroud.  "Stop Pornographic Rock." Newsweek Magazine.  May 6. 1985. Time Magazine.  February 4, 1985, p. 85.
• "What's Gone Wrong With Teen Sex?" People Magazine.  April 13, 1987.
• Williams, R. H. "Effects of Melatonins in Humans." Textbook of Endocrinology, 6th Ed., p. 628.
• Zamichow, N. Teenage Sex.  Ladies Home Journal; October 1986, pp. 138-205.