Beyond the Wedding Night – 7 Tips for a Healthy Sex Life in Marriage

My list is by no means exhaustive and I hope all the earlyweds wives (beyond the early months/years  of marriage) can offer more insights.

Please share your own publicly sharable (tasteful) thoughts in comments below.

Beyond the Wedding Night; 7 Tips for Cultivating a Healthy Sex Life in Marriage.

1. Keep the whole marriage healthy

Married sex takes work.

Because for the fun to happen in the bedroom, the rest of your marriage needs to be working too. (Click to Tweet that)

So work on the rest of your marriage.

Build your friendship – call him during the day, just because.

Bless him – do “his” chores and let him watch a game.

Go out of your way – initiate hard conversations even when you think he should.

Pursue common & individual interests – don’t choke your marriage.

Move around and stay physically healthy.

While it’s true that a healthy sex life can keep the rest of your marriage in much better form, your life outside the bedroom still determines if you are having sex to begin with.

It’s like a cycle and you need to keep it running. Don’t isolate your bedroom.

2. Pursue conversation

In my past post, I talked about the importance of communication on your wedding night.

How to let him know what’s working/not working, as opposed to keeping quiet, hoping he will figure everything out by himself, without your involvement.

These conversations are not just for the wedding night but for the rest of your married life.

And not just for within your bedroom, in that moment – but outside the bedroom, long before you go to bed.

“In that moment” – If you like something, think it could be better, it’s uncomfortable, want more of it, say it.

Learn good communication skills because you don’t want to be critical, casting blame e.t.c

Also don’t wait for your husband to take the initiative with these conversation here because, frankly, your guy is pretty simple. And obvious.

You on the other hand are more complicated and he can’t always tell what’s going on unless you say it or show it.

Outside the bedroom – Heavier topics (e.g challenges) are better discussed long beforethat time.

When both of you are relaxed and have enough energy and margin to hear one another.

3. Then there was makeup sex

Wherever you have conflict, and even when you haven’t completely ironed out your differences, seek to come together.

I am not a scientist or theologian and I can’t completely explain it.

But I do know that sex connects and weaves a husband and wife’s hearts in profound ways.

So when you have issues and fluff in in the air, intimacy can lower your defenses and level out that “right to be right” monster.

It will help you see things you weren’t able to see before i.e each others point of view.

So once in a while (or not- so-once-in-a-while), instead of staying up half the night trying to work out challenges, driving each other crazy, head on to the bedroom.

Don’t shut him down when he reaches for you in the middle of the night after an unresolved debate.

Don’t wait to be in the mood.

Twist things around and see how that works for your relationship.

4. A trusted mentor

It’s one thing to have two dashing people standing by your side on your wedding day.

Quite another to have someone encouraging, cheering and mentoring your beyond the wedding night.

In other words, I hope you prioritized finding a mentor couple/persons over finding best couple/person.

You need a trustworthy woman mentor, not just to ask you tough questions  before the wedding night but to provide a sounding board, accountability, encouragement, after the wedding.

I am not suggesting that you will need to share all the intimates of your bedroom with her, nope.

But all girls have girl-stuff.

Questions, clarifications, joys. You need a grounded person, someone who’s been there/is there.

So don’t take off after the wedding. Cultivate that relationship. Use that relationship.

As one who’s mentored singles and marrieds for years, I can tell you that good mentors love to help.

So it’s not like you are imposing on them when you seek answers and clarifications or just want to get together for coffee.

Don’t keep quiet with struggles, if any. Open up.

(Ps. Worth emphasizing, choose your mentor well. God-fearing, balanced  – she calls you out real quick -, loves marriage and has a thriving marriage herself are some of the qualities to look out for. )

5. Take some initiative

As a newlywed, I remember asking my mentor who  should be taking the initiative in our marriage.

My question was phrased “Who should be texting the other more during the day?”

I wanted to hear that it was my husband’s job to pursue me, to put all the effort at keeping romance alive.

“Text him, you both must be texting one another“. Was her in-my-face response

Talk about shock!

Like I did, most new brides have to work through and unlearn lots of things; passivity and ignorance included.

You have to go beyond wanting and coveting great romance and love-making to actually diving in and getting involved in it’s creation. (Click to tweet that)

Don’t leave it to your husband to do all the work, in and out of the bedroom. Dig in with him.

Let him know you find him desirable. Encourage his efforts. Pursue him.

You’ll find that the more you celebrate intimacy, the more you’ll fall in love with it!

Because what you positively magnify does become bigger and better in your eyes.

6. Invite God in

As newlywed wives we tend to feel the awkwardness and adjustments of married sex and it’s easy to crowd God out.

But you want God to be involved in all areas of your marriage.

Sex is His idea so, really, there’s nothing new or shocking you can bring to the table.

So learn early to invite God into your bedroom, beyond the wedding night.

If there are any challenges, get on your knees first, before you open your mouth to “share”.

Constantly cover this connection with your husband in prayer.

Think about about it this way; we pray about our finances, jobs, ministry, health, wisdom e.t.c. all the time.

Why not our sex life?

Intimacy is not just about body parts coming together: it’s much deeper than that.

So seek health there by way of prayer.

7. When you don’t feel like making love..

This is a hard one to fathom before the wedding night: that one day in the future, you or your husband might not be in the mood for sex!

But you get married and realize that life, does indeed go on but with a much fuller plate.

Sometimes your hormones will be out of whack.

Sex might be painful. Health challenges might crop up.

Hidden pains and addictions rise to the surface. Past issues knocking on your door.

Life doesn’t necessarily become easier.

And so you must learn how to thrive even in the valleys.

Here, we’ll talk about the “normal”  – for lack of a better word – not-in-the-moodmoments. For deeper issues seek the help of a trusted Christian counselor/pastoral/mentor help.